Messages From Everywhere

I'm so glad I was born as your child. Thank you！

Dad, Thank you for everything you’ve given us and done for our family. There are so many things I can’t say out loud, but please know that I always miss you, care about you, and love you. Love always.

君の幸せを祈る、元気でありますように。 ありがとう。

There are so many times that I should have stayed calm instead of overreacting when something goes wrong. Sorry you have to go through this. I’ll continue to work hard at becoming a better parent so please be patient with me.

I’ve wanted to say: you make me feel so glad to have a sister. It even makes me think that if I have kids of my own, I’d want them to have siblings too.

昔、あなたのお菓子勝手に食べたの、まだ覚えてる。あれ私です。ごめん。

I wish I could blame you but I never will.

I never told you that the summer we spent in Kyoto was the one I think about most. Not the temples or the heat or the paper lanterns on the river — just the way you laughed at something I said in broken Japanese, and for a moment I thought: this is enough. This exact moment is enough. I went home two weeks later and convinced myself I'd write. I didn't. I told myself it was the distance. It wasn't. I think I was afraid that if I tried to hold onto it, I'd find out it only existed there — in that city, in that summer, in the space between two people who didn't quite share a language but somehow didn't need one. I hope you still laugh like that. I hope whatever life you built is full of it. I should have written.

You smiled at me once on the Yamanote Line. I built an entire love story in my head during three stops. Then you got off at Shibuya and disappeared forever. I hope you are doing well. Also, I hope you know you caused emotional damage to a complete stranger.

Sakiのことを思い出すと、今でも少し不思議な気持ちになる。 食べ物に対するこだわりが本当に強くて、時々僕には理解しきれないこともあった。味が合わなくて泣いてしまったり、急にお店を出てしまったり。正直、その時はかなり戸惑ったし、どう向き合えばいいのか分からなかった。 でも、それだけでSakiという人を見ていたわけではない。 Sakiは上を目指す力があって、自分の生活を大事にしていて、感性が豊かで、ちゃんと美しいものを分かっている人だったと思う。一緒にいると、不思議と安心できる瞬間もたくさんあった... 最後も、たしか食べ物のことがきっかけだった気がする。そこからちゃんと話し合うこともなく、少しずつ距離ができて、自然消滅みたいになってしまった あの時の僕は、ただ疲れていた。自分がこの関係をどうしたいのか、Sakiにどう伝えるべきだったのか、ちゃんと向き合えなかった。曖昧なまま終わらせてしまって、本当にごめん。 この関係で、お互いに傷ついた部分はあったと思う。でも僕は、この時間を通して、自分の弱さや未熟さにも気づいた。 今さら何かを戻したいわけではない。ただ、ちゃんと謝れなかったことだけが、ずっと心に残っていた。 今のSakiが、穏やかに、幸せに過ごしていることを願っています。

Hey Alex, Still think about that drive all the time. You came all the way out to California just to help me pack up and get back to Houston. Didn’t make it a thing. Just showed up. We loaded everything into the car and talked the whole way back. Your family, my family, what I was even doing with my life, that girl. All of it. Somewhere between Tucson and El Paso, I stopped feeling so embarrassed about the whole thing. Taking time off felt like the end of the world back then. Like everyone was moving forward and I just wasn’t. But you never looked at me that way. Five years since the accident. I’ve got two kids now. A mortgage. The whole thing. And I still catch myself on 59 thinking, man, Sam would’ve had something to say about this. Thanks for that summer. I mean it.